How to Communicate Effectively

Main Line therapy, counseling, Villanova, ardmore, depression, anxiety

Basics of Effective Communication:

Effective communication is based more on how say things rather than on what you actually say.

A conversation can go very well or wind up in a lot of anger and upset, depending on the communication style used. Our means of communication impacts all facets of life. 

When communicating, the goal should always be to understand – not to be right.  When we approach situations with curiosity, rather than with anger or accusation, we tend to be better listeners, thus better problem solvers. Get the facts before you pass judgment.  Some styles lend themselves better to this than others.

Here are Four Different Communication Styles

  1. Passive Communication:

An example of passive communication: John doesn’t show up for the date he has with Sally and Sally feels angry and hurt by the situation, but doesn’t want to rock the boat. When John later calls her, Sally tells him she is fine and does not assert herself, making another plan with John.

Passive communication Is a style in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights and identifying and meeting their needs.  Passive communication is usually comes from low self-esteem.  The core belief associated with passive communication is: “I’m not worth taking care of.” People who are communicating passively may not respond overtly to hurtful or anger-inducing situations.  Instead, they allow grievances and annoyances to mount, usually unaware of the buildup. They are prone to explosive outbursts which are usually out of proportion to the triggering incident. Afterwards, they feel shame, guilt and confusion so they return to being passive.

People who are communicating passively will often: 

·      Fail to assert for themselves

·      Allow others to deliberately or inadvertently cross their boundaries

·      Tend to speak softly or apologetically

·      Exhibit poor eye contact and slumped body posture

Impact of passive communication:

·      Anxiety because life seems out of their control

·      Depression because they feel stuck and hopeless

·      Resentment (they may be unaware of the resentment) because needs are not being met

·      Confused because they ignore their own feelings

·      Unable to mature because real issues never get addressed.

Belief system:

·      I’m unable to stand up for my rights.

·       I don’t know what my rights are.

·       I get stepped on by everyone.

·      I’m weak and unable to take care of myself.

·      People never consider my feelings.

When Passivity is Appropriate:

·      When the results of pushing the issue would cause problems that outweigh the benefits. 

·      When issues are minor.

·      When there is a power differential that is not in your favor and the other party is getting agitated by your assertiveness.

·      When the other individual’s position is impossible to change.  

2. Aggressive Communication:

Example of aggressive communication: “What is WRONG with you?! You NEVER do anything right!” Individuals express feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others. Aggressive communication usually comes from low self-esteem, is often caused by past physical and/or emotional abuse, unhealed emotional wounds, and feelings of powerlessness.

Aggressive communicators will often:

·      Try to dominate others

·      Use humiliation to control others

·      Criticize, blame or attack others

·      Are very impulsive

·      Have low frustration tolerance

·      Speak in a loud, demanding and overbearing voice

·      Act threateningly and rudely

·      Not listen well

·      Interrupt frequently

·      Use “you” statements

·      Have piercing eye contact and overbearing posture

Impact of aggressive communication:

·      Become alienated from others

·      Alienate others

·      Generate fear and hatred in others

·      Blames others instead of owning their issues, therefore they have trouble with personal growth

Belief system:

·      I’m superior and right and  you’re inferior and wrong

·      I’m loud, bossy and pushy

·       I can dominate and intimidate you

·       I can violate your rights

·      I’ll get my way no matter what

·      You’re not worth anything

·      It’s all your fault

·      I react instantly

·      I’m entitled

·      You owe me.

·       I own you.

3. Passive-Aggressive communication:

Example of passive-aggressive communication: “Fine. Whatever”. Individuals communicating passive aggressively seem to be passive on the surface but are really showing anger in a subtle, indirect or behind-the-scenes way.  Anger is expressed by subtly undermining the object of their resentments.  

Passive-Aggressive communicators will often:

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·      Mutter to themselves rather than confront the person or issue

·      Have difficulty acknowledging their anger

·      Use facial expressions that don’t match how they feel – for example, smiling when angry

·      Use sarcasm

·      Deny there is a problem

·      Appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy and disrupt

·      Use subtle sabotage to get even

Impact of a pattern of passive-aggressive communication:

·      Become alienated from those around them

·      Remain stuck in a position of powerlessness

·      Discharge resentment while real issues are never addressed so they have trouble with personal growth

People who communicate passive-aggressively

·       I am weak and resentful, so I sabotage, frustrate and disrupt

·      I’m powerless to deal with you head on so I must do so indirectly

·       I will appear cooperative but I’m not

4. Assertive Communication:

Example of assertive communication to let someone know they’ve crossed a boundary: “When you laugh while I tell you my feelings, I feel hurt and sad because I tell myself that it means that you don’t care. My request of you is to listen respectfully and let me know that you hear my feelings. Are you able to honor my request?”

Main Line Therapy, counseling, psychology, ardmore, Villanova, Bryn Mawr, depression, anxiety

Individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others.  Assertive communication often indicates someone has high self-esteem.  These individuals value themselves, their time and their emotional, spiritual and physical needs and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others.

Assertive communicators will often:

·      State needs and wants clearly, appropriate and respectfully

·      Express feelings clearly, appropriate and respectfully

·      Use “I” statements

·      Communicate respect for others

·      Listen well without interrupting

·      Feel in control of self

·      Have good eye contact

·      Speak in a calm and clear tone of voice

·      Have a relaxed body posture

·      Feel connected to others

·      Feel competent and in control

·      Not allow others to abuse or manipulate them

·      Stand up for their rights

Impact of assertive communication:

·      Feel connected to others

·      Feel in control of their lives

·      Are able to mature because they address issues and problems as they arise

·      Create a respectful environment for others to grow and mature

Assertive belief system:

·      We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another

·       I am confident about who I am

·       I realize I have choices in my life and I consider my options

·       I speak clearly, honestly and to the point

·       I can’t control others, I can control myself

·       I place a high priority on having my rights respected

·       I am responsible for getting my needs met in a respectful manner

·       I respect the rights of others

·      Nobody owes me anything unless they’ve agreed to it with to me

·      I’m 100% responsible for my own happiness. 

Pointers on Assertion:

·      Being assertive means you also must own what is yours to own.  If the other person has a point about your behavior, take it in as constructive feedback and see if it is something you’d like to change about yourself.

  • It is okay to say “I don’t know.”

  • It is okay to say “No,” or “I cannot do that.”

  • It is okay to make mistakes as long as responsibility is taken for them.

  • It is okay to disagree and to verbalize that.

  • It is okay to challenge others’ opinions or actions.  

  • It is okay to not accept another’s opinion as factual or accurate

  • It is okay to ask for a change in behavior.

Which communication styles do you respond best to? What are some of your goals for communicating effectively?

 For more information on communication styles and help learning how to be more assertive, contact us here.

Yoga Therapy on the Main Line: Why Your Breath is Your Best Friend by Melanie Taylor, LMFT, RYT-500

Yoga Therapy on the Main Line: 

Why Your Breath is Your Best Friend

 By: Melanie Taylor, LMFT, RYT-500

Yoga therapy for anxiety and depression on the Philadelphia Main Line in Bryn Mawr, Ardmore, Villanova and Lower Merion

 What if you could find a friend that would stay by your side always? Someone who’s sole purpose was to make sure you not only stayed alive but also thrived in your life. Someone who knew just what to do to provide you a pick-me-up when depressed or tired or could ease your body and mind when anxious or upset. What if you had access to this friend 24/7 and the only thing this friend needed from you was a willingness to accept their support? 

Well, my friends, I have some exciting news to share. This friend exists, and not only does the friend exist, it exists within you! Its your breath. You see, your breath is both a complicated and conveniently simple process that weaves together the communication between your body and mind. Linked to your nervous system, your breath has the capabilities of keeping you alive, soothing your body and mind and increasing energy. Your breath can let you know how you’re feeling and if you’re relaxed or tense. Think about it… when panic sets into the body and mind, the breath oftentimes responds rapidly, assuming the need to prepare for survival. Your breath may become shorter and choppier or maybe even appear nonexistent and stuck. This same breath, the one coming and going from your lungs, can be trained to deepen and soften during panic, activating your calming nervous system, thus subsiding the panic in both your body and mind.  Or, maybe your nervous system is feeling too subdued, you’re falling asleep at work or feeling unable to pull yourself out of bed to face the day. In these moments, accentuating the inhale can increase energy and focus, even lifting your mood in the moment. Your breath holds a wealth of resources for you. All you have to do is attend to it. Here’s some ways to access its usefulness.

1. A breathing practice to soothe the nervous system: Paced Breathing 

When to use:

To soothe anxiety, panic or restlessness, if you are having difficulty sleeping and/or relaxing, when you feel worked up or frazzled. 

How to use:

When attempting to soothe or relax the nervous system, accentuate the exhale. Paced breathing patterns the breath to increase the length of the exhale to twice as long as the inhale. You will count the breaths in your head. If able, breathe both in and out of your nose. If you need to breathe out of your mouth due to sinus issues, it can help to purse the lips so that the breath is able to stay long and controlled. Let your breath carry deep into your body… allow your stomach to expand on your inhales, and gently contract your stomach in on your exhales. Try the counts of 4 to inhale and 8 to exhale. If this feels difficult or creates more tension in the body, reduce the numbers, just making sure the exhale is 2x as long as the inhale. Our lungs often need time to practice expanding (in our society, we don’t usually use much of our breathing capacity from day-to-day), so be patient and just do what feels comfortable. Remember, this is intended to relax and soothe you. 

Here we go:

It can help to sit upright allowing spaciousness in your chest or lying down (especially if you are using this to help with sleep). Close your eyes if comfortable. If you prefer to have your eyes open, maybe gaze at a soft spot on the floor or in front of you. Now, inhale…2…3…4, Exhale…2…3…4…5…6…7…8, Inhale…2…3…4, Exhale…2…3…4…5…6…7…8, repeat this sequence multiple times. I recommend at least 10 rounds, but as many as you would like until you start to feel soothed, more at ease or fall asleep. 

Contraindications:

The only time to avoid this breath is if you are already relaxed or tired  and do not want to fall asleep of become more relaxed. If this is the case and you are looking for a pick-me-up, try the breath below.

2. A breathing practice to enliven your nervous system: Breath of Joy

When to use:

when tired, depressed, energy depleted, feeling stuck, lacking interest or focus.

How to use:

When attempting to lift your energy, focus or mood, accentuating the inhale wakes up the nervous system. Breath of Joy calls for 3 quick inhales and one large exhale. This breath can be done standing or sitting in a chair. Make sure you have arms-length of space around and above you. 

Here we go:

On your first quick inhale through your nose, swing your arms out in front of you. 

On the second inhale through your nose, swing your arms from in front of you, out to the sides in a “T” position. 

On the third inhale through your nose, swing your arms from the “T” position above your head in a touchdown position. 

Next, exhale forcefully out of your mouth with an audible “Ha” as you fold at the waist and swing your arms down by your legs

Repeat this at least 3 times, more if you like. 

Main Line Yoga Therapy, Philadelphia, Bryn Mawr, anxiety, depression

Contraindications- 

If you have any severe back issues, bulging discs, osteoporosis or hypertension, folding forward or hanging your head upside down is usually not safe. Good news, you can still do this breath! Just make sure to avoid folding over and instead swing your arms down by your side while exhaling a “Ha” forcefully.  

If you are interested in learning more about how to balance your mind and body through your breath and other yoga techniques, consider yoga therapy. To learn more about how to get connected with a yoga therapist, give us a call at 484-784-6244 for a free 15-minute consultation.   

"We cannot love others until we love ourselves" by Mikala Morrow

love, bryn mawr, main line, therapy, counseling, villanova, philadelphia, love yourself

 "We cannot love others until we love ourselves"

by Mikala Morrow, Villanova Graduate Counseling Intern

This saying has been a cliché statement that has been thrown around as a way to encourage self-care or even used as a convincing statement to those who find it hard to love themselves. What does this statement truly mean?

It means that someway, somehow we must find, within us, love. This must mean that love is an innate ability and we all possess the ability to love ourselves without the assistance of others.

Personally, I do not believe this to be true. Can we truly have an innate ability to love ourselves without any help from others? If we truly cannot love others until we love ourselves, we have to be able to love ourselves without help, right? Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Which comes first, our innate ability to love? Or is love taught to us from our caretakers, partners, peers or a higher power?

love, counseling, bryn mawr, therapy, villanova, love yourself

What if, “We cannot love others until we love ourselves” becomes “We cannot love ourselves and others until we have been loved.” My argument is that in order to learn to love others, we must first be loved. We must learn how to love and what love is.

Imagine a child who is neglected by their caretaker. This child never truly learns love. Instead, to them, love means neglect. Later on in life when meeting new people, how will they love them? If all this older child has known is that love is neglectful, they too will neglect those that they love.

Compare the first child with someone who has a loving caretaker who has shown interest in who they are. This child will grow up with the idea that love is showing interest in others and will love in this way. These examples may not be true for all, but it is something to think about. The child in the first scenario may

learn somewhere how to truly love but this will not come as easily as the child in the second scenario.

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We need to learn what love looks like towards us and we also need to learn how we love.  We may love by giving others gifts or our time. We may show our love through compliments or by offering a shoulder to cry on. We all have a unique way to show love. In order to practice our ways of loving, we need people around us to accept our love. If our unique way of showing love is rejected, we learn that we are not good at loving, or our way of loving is wrong.

Let’s say you show love with your time but your partner becomes annoyed and tells you they just want space. Your way of loving has been pushed away. We need other people around us to affirm the way we love.  While the statement, “We cannot love others until we love ourselves” has a good message at the core, it can be damaging for those who have never learned how to love themselves.

We all need love whether it is from other humans on earth (maybe even from a pet) or a supernatural love. Then we can truly love others’ authentically and comfortably.

Mikala, Villanova Graduate, Counseling, Bryn Mawr, Love, Therapy

Mikala has an intensely compassionate and unique way of connecting with you to help you identify and express your feelings and your deepest sense of self.  She is persistent and encouraging in the face of hopelessness and despair.  She especially loves working with women to provide tools to alleviate anxiety and depression.  Mikala has a wealth of experience and is skilled in the mental health field working with domestic violence, food & body issues and addiction.  If you're struggling to tolerate your emotions and you're looking for a guide to help you get to know yourself better, give her a call now at 570-412-4516. 

 

The Number 1 Trauma Treatment: EMDR Explained

Lucky us!  Scott Giacomucci, MSS, LSW, CTTS, CET III, trauma specialist, psychodramatist and all around amazing therapist has shared his insights and explained that complicated title: Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, also known as EMDR.  The following is a handout Scott put together for his clients to help explain what EMDR is and how it's done:

EMDR: Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

Often, when something traumatic happens, it seems to get locked in the nervous system with the original picture, sounds, thoughts, feelings, etc.  Since the experience is locked there, it continues to be triggered whenever a reminder comes up. It can be the basis for a lot of discomfort and sometimes a lot of negative emotions, such as fear and helplessness that we can’t seem to control. These are really the emotions connected with the old experience that are being triggered.

EMDR therapy for PTSD in Bryn Mawr and West Chester

What is EMDR?

 Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a late-stage, trauma resolution method.  Developed in the late 1980's, EMDR currently has more scientific research as a treatment for trauma than any other non-pharmaceutical intervention. Based on empirical evidence as well as thousands of client and clinician testimonials, EMDR has proven an efficacious and rapid method of reprocessing traumatic material.

EMDR appears to assist in processing of traumatic information, resulting in enhanced integration - and a more adaptive perspective of the traumatic material. The utilization of EMDR has been shown to be effective with a variety of conditions including generalized and specific anxieties, panic attacks, PTSD symptoms (such as intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and flashbacks), dissociative disorders, mood disorders and other traumatic experiences. Theoretically, EMDR is about integration - bilateral hemispheric (right/left brain) integration; triune brain (brain stem, limbic system and cerebral cortex) integration; and mind/body integration, but practically, it’s about convincing the mind and body that the traumatic event is, indeed over. EMDR helps to put the past in the past, where it belongs, instead of staying stuck in it (feeling like it is happened all over again in the present-with the same thoughts, emotions and body sensations- that accompanied the event in the past).

The eye movements (or other bilateral stimulation) we use in EMDR seem to unlock the nervous system and allow your brain to process the experience. That may be what is happening in REM, or dream, sleep: The eye movements may be involved in processing the unconscious material. The important thing to remember is that it is your own brain that will be doing the healing and you are the one in charge.

How is EMDR Done?  (Parnell, 2006)

  • Establishment of Safety and Resources - Safety within the therapeutic relationship and safety within each individual EMDR session. During each EMDR session, your therapist will begin by activating your own internal resources. (S)he will guide you in an imaginal, multisensory imagery exercise designed to activate images, emotions and body sensations of safety, protection, nurture and comfort. Once these images have been activated, the actual trauma reprocessing will begin.
  • Activating the Traumatic Memory Network - The therapist will ask a series of questions regarding the traumatic memory. The purpose of these questions (or script) is to activate the entire traumatic memory network.
  • Adding Alternating Bilateral Stimulation - Once the entire traumatic memory is activated, the therapist will add alternating bilateral stimulation using:

a) buzzing in your hands by turning on the Theratapper

b) alternating auditory tones via headphones or ear buds

c) moving his/her hands back and forth, so you may visually track the movement

  • Reestablishment of Safety - regardless of whether the traumatic material was completely processed or not, the session will end at a pre-set time. Before you leave, you will be stable, embodied, oriented and calm. Depending on you and your therapist’s preferences, this may be accomplished in a variety of ways including, but not limited to re-activating your own internal resources, breathing exercises, prolonged muscle relaxation, etc.

Looking to continue EMDR therapy?

-You might begin by asking your IOP/PHP counselor for a recommended outpatient counselor who is skilled in EMDR.

-At the EMDR International Association website (EMDRIA.org) you can navigate to the “Find a Therapist” tab and search for a certified EMDR therapist in your community.

 The current treatment guidelines of the American Psychiatric Association and the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies designate EMDR as an effective treatment for post traumatic stress. EMDR was also found effective by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs and Department of Defense, the United Kingdom Department of Health, the Israeli National Council for Mental Health, and many other international health and governmental agencies.

(Giacomucci 2017)(References: EMDRIA; Linda Curran; Laurel Parnell)

Scot Giacomucci, EMDR trauma and psychodrama specialist in west chester, pa.

Scott Giacomucci, MSS, LSW, CTTS, CET III is a certified trauma treatment specialist and licensed social worker in Pennsylvania. He is a graduate of Bryn Mawr College where he received his Masters in Social Service (MSS) with a concentration in clinical social work. He facilitates trauma treatment services at Mirmont Treatment Center serving a variety of populations including young adults and emergency responders (veterans, police, fire, etc..) in both individual therapy and group sessions. Scott has a gentle, non-judgmental treatment approach that honors the inherent worth of each individual. He utilizes a blend of treatment modalities including both traditional talk therapy and experiential therapy which have been research-proven as the treatment of choice for treating trauma. 

To learn more about Scott Giacomucci and the work he does, you can visit his website at: http://sgiacomucci.com/

Any comments or questions?  We'd love to hear from you!  Please comment below.  For confidential questions, email TiffanySpilove@yahoo.com.  If you need help finding an EMDR therapist, please call 610-314-8402, I'd be happy to help.