Finding the Right Couples Therapist
By Melanie Taylor, LMFT, RYT-500
You’ve been feeling disconnected from your partner for some time now. The tiniest matters seem to turn into explosive arguments. What used to be small disagreements that were easy to repair have become fits of name calling, nights spent alone and feelings of abandonment. You know you’re both committed to the relationship, but at times, you just don’t see how it will last. You’re afraid that if things don’t get better, the relationship won’t make it and you will end up heartbroken and alone.
Keeping a relationship (or relationships if you are polyamorous) healthy and thriving takes a lot of intentional work and commitment. Even the most loving and committed relationships require occasional tune-ups or support.
Finding a couples therapist that is right for you and your partner/s is important to ensure the effort you are putting in is creating the relationship you desire.
Here are some tips to consider when you are searching for a couples therapist to best fit your relationship/s:
Do they actually specialize in couples therapy?
Not all therapists specialize in couples therapy. To find a therapist who is trained in working with relationships, you will want to look for a few qualifiers:
While not necessary, being a licensed marriage and family therapist, or LMFT, pretty much guarantees the therapist has been trained in working with relationship dynamics and systems focused therapies. LMFTs (more inclusively called couples and family therapists) are trained right from the beginning in how to work with couples and relationships. However, it is important to note that not all couple and family therapists specialize in working with couples so here are a few other things to consider-
Whether an LMFT or professional counselor (LPC) of clinical social worker (LCSW), does the therapist have training in Gottman method, emotion focused therapy (EFT) or IFS or DBT for couples? When interviewing therapists, you’ll want to ask what therapies they are trained in and how they use this in couples therapy.
Are they a trauma informed therapist?
Have you or your partner/s experienced trauma in your life? If yes, it is important to find a couples therapist who also specializes in trauma. Symptoms of early childhood trauma, sexual trauma and relationship abuse and neglect can show up and spread like wildfire in relationship struggles and dynamics. Often parts of you are holding onto fear, betrayal and abandonment while other parts of you are going to any length possible to protect yourself from experiencing these feelings in the relationship. This can often show up as defensive behaviors like name-calling, shutting down, and running away. Finding a couples therapist that specializes in trauma is essential in helping you untangle your past from your current relationship.
Are they an LGBTQ-affirming, queer competent therapist?
IF you’re in a queer relationship/s, you’ll want to find a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ+ folx. It’s important that the therapist is competent in understanding the complexities and intersectional identities that come with being queer and in a queer relationship. To learn more about finding the right LGBTQ+ affirming therapist, check out this blog HERE.
Are they competent in working with polyamorous relationships?
If you are in a polyamorous relationship or considering a poly relationship, make sure to find a therapist who specializes in polyamory. Check out our blog HERE on finding a polyamorous affirming therapist.
Are you or your partner/s in recovery?
If you or your partner/s are in recovery from an eating disorder or addiction, you’ll want to scope out a couples therapist that also specializes in recovery. It’s important that your couples therapist has a strong understanding of the symptoms and signs of relapse as well as the process and journey that recovery takes. A couples therapist that also specializes in recovery will be able to guide you through how to heal the toll the eating disorder or addiction has taken on the relationship and create a relationship that helps to support recovery.
