Spilove Psychotherapy is working to do a better job about lifting marginalized voices including black and queer voices. One way we are working to do this is by highlighting and featuring these marginalized voices in our newsletter, blog and other social media platforms.
We asked our friend, Christie if she would be willing to share her coming out with us for pride month and to use our platform to post about her small music business.
Christie identifies as a queer, multi-racial woman. Here is the piece she wrote to come out to her followers and is allowing us to post here as well:
This is Me
by Christie Kelly
If you look at me, you see many things. My color, my size, how I dress...The fact that I’m a woman of color is no surprise to you. It’s a part of me that cannot be hidden. It’s out there for others to notice, to admire, or to pass judgement. I’ve experienced all these reactions.
But the fact that I am a queer woman will be a surprise to most of you.
It is a part of me that could be hidden, kept safe from all the same possible reactions I’ve experienced for my skin tone. Hiding this part of me meant I controlled the amount of pain and shame placed on me...or so I thought.
Maya Angelou once said
“there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
The agony she speaks of is very real for those who have lived their lives divided between who they are and who others expect them to be.
For me, there was always an inner struggle to understand who I was compared to who I felt obligated to be with my family, my church, and my God.
From a young age my same-sex attraction was very present and something I didn’t understand and certainly didn’t feel safe discussing. As a pastor’s kid, I knew the scriptures, and I knew what I was taught about a godly life and godly love.
What confused me however was the fact that the God that I came to know personally was very different from the one presented to me by the church.
The God I came to know was Love. Unconditional Love.
Love that reached out and embraced, not rejected or denied. Love that celebrated the beautiful diversity in His creations, not one that looked on some as broken and malfunctioning.
But the many voices in my head- the church, parents, society- they all were overwhelming to sort through at a young age. And so I kept silent.
Although my college years allowed me some freedom to grow in my confidence and identity, it wasn’t enough for me to embrace it. When I finally came out for the first time, I was met with great opposition and judgement, and it was painful. Too painful.
And so at 21, I resigned myself to be the person I felt was necessary to still be loved and accepted by family and the church community.
But the inner wrestling continued and it was daily that I would find myself trying to “pray the gay away.” On the outside I appeared to be a successful and gifted leader in the church, many people often commenting on the joy they saw in my broad smile.
Unfortunately, inside I was hurting. Feeling fake, feeling unknown, feeling divided. After deep depression led to multiple suicide attempts, it became clear to me that rejecting myself was deadly.
Surely this was not what Love wanted for me. How does Love see me and the desires of my heart? And what is Love’s response?
Love says I am wonderfully made. Love says come out of hiding.
Today I am choosing to be fully and completely me, unhidden and unashamed.
I am who Love created me to be.
I am a queer woman of color, strong and compassionate, a follower of Jesus, and a lover of creation in all its beautiful and unique forms.
Some of you will celebrate with me in this step of freedom. And I am grateful for you.
Some of you will feel other emotions. I understand that fully and acknowledge this is hard for many who only saw one side of who I am. My hope is that you’ll be open to seeing another person’s journey and seek to understand. I am always willing sit down and share mine with you.
Please understand, however, if you are one that feels the need to “save me” and quote scripture and preach... I ask that you do not. Remember I have been on this journey for 32 years. I have studied scripture and know it well. I have spent these years in hiding researching, reading, wrestling and praying. And today I am at peace knowing I am fully myself, and fully loved by God and many others.
I know I am not alone in this journey. And for others who are wrestling, feeling rejected, feeling divided, unheard and misunderstood...I see you, and you are loved. You are beautiful and I celebrate everything that is you. Know that you have a safe place in me if you need to process, let your walls down, or cry.
I love you. The real you.
“A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretense, and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself”
-Maya Angelou
To learn more about Christie Kelly and her music business, to book voice AND piano lessons in the Philadelphia area, click the button below.